The Samoan Fales – Excerpts

br07-025A  few scenes from The Samoan Fales:

Principal’s wife: Jim wants some information about how you use the television in the school.

Principal: Well, friend, you came to the right guy. If you go down to that television studio, all they’ll tell you is that we have an ar-ticulated program of instruction making the maxi-mum use of audio and visiul materials. But what it boils down to is this, see. They do the lessons on TV, see. My kids watch the lessons on TV, see. Then we turn the TV off, see. Then after the TV is off, it’s my joy to work with the kids, see!

Father: To re-enforce the learning?

Principal: Naw, to help them lose the southern accent they got from watching the lessons! (roars and slaps leg)
(father still looks blank) I’m pulling your leg, friend. I say, I’m yanking one of your pedal extremeties!
Look man, this system is just too much to explain in a short time. We’ll get together over a glass of suds at the hotel some some day and I’ll give you the real scoop, OK?
(leader walks over and pats motorcycle) Tell me friend, what do you think of my chariot?

Father: It sure is a beauty. How fast will it go?

Principal: Well, ordinarily, it’ll hit the century mark, but the PO-LICE Department thought that was too fast for this continent so they said I had to put a governor on it when I rode it!

Father: I imagine it was kind of hard to find a governor on this island?

Principal:You don’t know how true THAT IS, friend. Most of the time I have to use an ACTING GOVERNOR! (pats him on back) That’s a joke, friend, after you’ve been here awhile you’ll get it.

••••••••••

Principal: Well, why don’t you and the lil’ missus jet down here about 8:00. The whole village is turning out for a big fiafia, eating, singing, dancing, the works. A real celebration.

Father: Gee, that sounds great. What’s the occasion?

Principal: Ain’t you heard? We got 16,000 signatures on a petion and the government is going to honor our demands. That’s democracy in action, friend.

Father: Boy, it sure is. What was the petition for?

Principal: To bring back the “Micky Mouse Club”. I really dig that Annette – she’s a swinger, man!

Father: Gee, I sure would like to come to your fiafia. My wife just had a new dress made – a Samoan dress – is it alright if she wears her new palusami?

Principal: Tell her to wear it, friend. She’ll look good enough to eat! Tofa, Daddyo! Alright troops–Lock and load!

(Troops kick starters–gun engines– ride down ramp and up center aisle–waving to audience)

Father: (after noise subsides) Gee, I forgot to thank him for the invitation (gets out Samoan dictionary) That’s um… (checks books again) Fa’afafine!

••••••••••

Bobby enters wearing cowboy hat, guns, lavalava and boots.
Bobby: (aiming guns at imaginary foe) All right ponder, come down out of that coconut tree with your hands up! (watches foe fall to ground – to audience) It’s hard to come down from a coconut tree with your hands up! How’s this for a Samoan outfit, Dad?
Betty: Oh Bobby, you’re stupid. Samoans don’t wear cowboy outfits!
Bobby: Well, I do. (to audience) Would you believe I’m a Western Samoan? (chases Betty offstage with guns blazing)

••••••••••

ACT II SCENE IV

LIGHTS ON Mother, Father, Betty, Bobby all carrying Samoan artifacts and putting them in boxes.

SIGN CARRIER–TWO YEARS LATER

Father: It just doesn’t seem possible. Our two years are finished. Why, it seems more like two hours.

Bobby: I’ll bet it seems more like two years to the audience.

Father: It’s back to the land of ice and snow for us. No more palm trees, no more coconuts.

Mother: No more house girl.

Father: No more crazy aiga busses, no more fiafias.

Mother: No more house girl.

Father: No more tropical nights, no more sivasiva

All together: NO MORE HOUSEGIRL

Mother: Gee, you don’t suppose we could …
Father: No, we couldn’t take her with us. br05-020br07-028br05-019

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